A fresh beginning, something I have needed for a long while. A lot of heartache has brought us to this point, but maybe it was worth it. There is still one evil thing thing potentially looming over this new development, but I'm still looking on the bright side.
We finally found help with our housing situation so we might actually get to call something (besides this hotel) home. I haven't ever taken this place for granted, it was at least a roof over my head. It gets old though, no matter how much a blessing it is, to have a full size stove and refrigerator looming only 3 feet from your bed. So a one bedroom apartment seems a vast improvement over our one room effienecy hotel room. All there is to do now is pray there is a unit available and that the one potential evil thing will go away, forever.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
She was never "the one"
I thought she was. Oh she hung the stars and the moon, the earth rose and set in her eyes only. Me, of the many failed from the start and dysfunctional relationships. I was in love the moment I laid eyes on her.
I guess I found out too late, she was like that beautiful used car that has all the bells and whistles and no warranty.
I guess I found out too late, she was like that beautiful used car that has all the bells and whistles and no warranty.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
tea v. coffee
Last night I did something moset people do every night, I slept. Just when I thought I would go mad if I didn't start sleeping. I've tried the pills, the routines, the whole nine yards. So I decided to do the sensible thing and try something new. Valerian root and melatonin pills. (No this isn't an infomercial, I just sound like one!)
So I kept the routine, added the pills and woke up to my alarm at 6 a.m. Now I have the whole day ahead of me, whereas before I would wake anywhere from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. and feel like I had no time to get anything done. Normally I pass out from sheer exhaustion somewhere around 4 a.m. to 7 a.m. It was never a problem of being tired, I was all the time. It was a matter of not being able to fall asleep. Now, my life can begin. And no, I don't care how cheesy that sounds.
After I got up, I had me a nice cup of hot wake-em-up tea. ( I don't do coffee, it makes my stomach hurt and actually makes me sleepy. I'm just strange all the way around.) Now, once my clothes are washed and I take a shower, I'll be a real person, not just a shell of one.
So I kept the routine, added the pills and woke up to my alarm at 6 a.m. Now I have the whole day ahead of me, whereas before I would wake anywhere from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. and feel like I had no time to get anything done. Normally I pass out from sheer exhaustion somewhere around 4 a.m. to 7 a.m. It was never a problem of being tired, I was all the time. It was a matter of not being able to fall asleep. Now, my life can begin. And no, I don't care how cheesy that sounds.
After I got up, I had me a nice cup of hot wake-em-up tea. ( I don't do coffee, it makes my stomach hurt and actually makes me sleepy. I'm just strange all the way around.) Now, once my clothes are washed and I take a shower, I'll be a real person, not just a shell of one.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Still (don't) wanna grow up...
I’ll never be “that” mom. Doesn’t matter what I do now…my chance is over and was from the beginning. I had my kids when I was 19 and 20. I had my kids with a man I barely knew and when I did find out who he was, well, we were all better off not knowing to begin with. So what brought this on, you ask? Oh, the normal, thinking when I shouldn’t. So here we go, delving into another topic I’d rather leave buried.
When the boys were younger I got into a playgroup I found online. I was staying at home with them all the time and it just happened. They needed someone to play with, I needed mommy friends. The mommy friends I found were great; totally together, in love with their husbands, educated, older than me, happy to have children and actively trying for more. On the surface. Now, granted, these women probably do have problems of their own and come to think of it one of my mommy friends is now divorced from her husband (but is now in another loving relationship).
Me? I was the total wreck of the group. Unwed, young, high school dropout, father nowhere in sight, emotionally unstable, two unexpected so-not-planned-for kids. Why these women put up with me at all is something I’ll never understand. But there I was, in the middle of all that mommy coolness. Now I see their updates, their new ultrasound pics of yet another bundle of (planned for) joy, tales of mommyhood told in funny little anecdotes. All the while, I am here and still a disgusting mess. Don’t have custody of my kiddos, no job, still only slightly smarter than the bag boy, just now realizing it’s time to grow up.
I’m going to fucking cry right now, if only my nose wasn’t so damned stopped up to begin with.
I’m the mommy with no kids, the mommy with scars visible and unseen, the mommy with tattoos, the mommy who can’t get it together, the mommy who is 25 and acts 12.
Maybe I just need to take it easy on myself, I am at least taking steps to correct what I can, although there is still so much that can’t be taken back.
The father of my kids is still going to be a drug fiend, prison bound, immature, self-centered, unaware ass. I’ll never be married to him, happily or unhappily so. I’ll probably never try for another baby and gloat over the precious mucus-y bundle waiting to be delivered.
I guess I never knew it but I really wanted to be that mom.
When the boys were younger I got into a playgroup I found online. I was staying at home with them all the time and it just happened. They needed someone to play with, I needed mommy friends. The mommy friends I found were great; totally together, in love with their husbands, educated, older than me, happy to have children and actively trying for more. On the surface. Now, granted, these women probably do have problems of their own and come to think of it one of my mommy friends is now divorced from her husband (but is now in another loving relationship).
Me? I was the total wreck of the group. Unwed, young, high school dropout, father nowhere in sight, emotionally unstable, two unexpected so-not-planned-for kids. Why these women put up with me at all is something I’ll never understand. But there I was, in the middle of all that mommy coolness. Now I see their updates, their new ultrasound pics of yet another bundle of (planned for) joy, tales of mommyhood told in funny little anecdotes. All the while, I am here and still a disgusting mess. Don’t have custody of my kiddos, no job, still only slightly smarter than the bag boy, just now realizing it’s time to grow up.
I’m going to fucking cry right now, if only my nose wasn’t so damned stopped up to begin with.
I’m the mommy with no kids, the mommy with scars visible and unseen, the mommy with tattoos, the mommy who can’t get it together, the mommy who is 25 and acts 12.
Maybe I just need to take it easy on myself, I am at least taking steps to correct what I can, although there is still so much that can’t be taken back.
The father of my kids is still going to be a drug fiend, prison bound, immature, self-centered, unaware ass. I’ll never be married to him, happily or unhappily so. I’ll probably never try for another baby and gloat over the precious mucus-y bundle waiting to be delivered.
I guess I never knew it but I really wanted to be that mom.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Very funny, indeed.
It always tickles me that I managed to name my blog so aptly, that I just happened on that one crystal clear moment of insight to describe my whole self. I do so often just want to take a deep breath, then SCREAM AS LOUD AS I CAN! (hehe) It also sums up the tiny bit of advice I have been given from my mother on how to cope, 'just take a deep breath, it's ok'. And after that breath, mother dearest, I just want to SCREAM some more.
Just a thought for the day.
Just a thought for the day.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Can you feel the rocks?
This is it. We managed to make it float for over 3 months after we were put out. We have struggled to find a stable place to live and a steady job to pay the bills. After doing all we can, we can do no more. We have reached rock bottom. After Thursday morning we will have nowhere to stay, no family to help us, no community programs to prevent us from living out of our vehicle, no income to support us. It's scary and that's all. From where I am right now, there is no hope, there is no maybe we can figure something out, nothing.
The heat here tops out at 100+ degrees every day and we have no air conditioning in the car. We are slowly finding places to store most of our things and giving away others. We still have two dogs, one cat and two guinea pigs. Even though it will be painful, we are working on finding homes for all but one of our dogs. We also have no cell phone. It's amazing how much better I would feel if my phone was at least still working. The city we live in can be dangerous during the day and frightening at night when your windows are down and your car is parked somewhere the cops won't scoot you out from.
Maybe this will be the rock bottom that some people hit before heading back up. Maybe this is it, this is what is left for us. All I know is I'm drowning, way down here at the rock bottom.
The heat here tops out at 100+ degrees every day and we have no air conditioning in the car. We are slowly finding places to store most of our things and giving away others. We still have two dogs, one cat and two guinea pigs. Even though it will be painful, we are working on finding homes for all but one of our dogs. We also have no cell phone. It's amazing how much better I would feel if my phone was at least still working. The city we live in can be dangerous during the day and frightening at night when your windows are down and your car is parked somewhere the cops won't scoot you out from.
Maybe this will be the rock bottom that some people hit before heading back up. Maybe this is it, this is what is left for us. All I know is I'm drowning, way down here at the rock bottom.
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