Thy will be done...

I'm so depressed. Being the situation is what it is, I'm not shocked. Any one else, even someone who is better equipped, would at least have the blues.
I probably haven't made myself feel any better by taking myself off of one of my daily medications. In the long run though, it will be worth it. The side effects I was dealing with didn't balance with any good it might of been doing for me. So I'm down to one depression medication, which I will be out of soon if I don't make an appointment with a doctor. One more thing to be dealt with when I would rather be hiding in a dark hole.
She is out of jail, which has helped a bit. I love her, she comforts me. It feels good to have someone with me who can suffer with me. As sick as that sounds. But as everyone knows, misery loves company. But on the good side, our legal troubles could be over at last. We only have to deal with another 4 weeks of intense monitoring which will cost us $60. Fortunately, we have already managed to get that money together pretty quick. At least one financial woe taken care of.
Visiting my babies Saturday will probably not happen. Their guardians are making things pretty difficult. It seems like they feel that they can make up stipulations for me to meet before I can see them. I'll be contacting the court to determine what if anything can be done about it. I haven't been able to see them for two, going on three, weeks. I miss them so much, I've almost become numb to the intense pain in my heart. It seems if I let myself feel all of the pain I might just go insane, get lost in it.
The only thing I feel safe taking some satisfaction in right is the fact that I have a decent shot at a job. A very nice woman who I became acquainted with at my last job offered for me to put in an application and she told me she had already talked to the management. I prayed as hard as I could that whatever He felt should be done, what was best for me, for us, be done. And even promised Him I would do whatever I could to make this happen for me if He felt it was right.
Maybe.

There is always a reason to scream...

I lay here on my hotel bed, with my hospital socks, listening to Norah Jones. Contemplating. Maybe it's Ms. Jones, maybe it's the silence that's still heard behind all the noise. Being alone makes people think, forces them to look at things closer.
So here I am on my hotel bed, with my hospital socks on. It has just now sunk in that I am a woman who is about to be 25, I am a woman who has seen a positive pregnancy test three times and given birth to two children. I am also a woman that now has no children to raise. I am a woman who might of once wished for something like this, just not in this context and with this kind of permanency.
I am essentially alone, for the moment at least. I still have her, but she is in a jail cell right now. It is possible she is thinking about some of the same things I am. She was never capable of being a biological donor to my children but she has given her heart to them just the same.
The tears set in, the doubts assault me, the shakes in my very soul take over. I have to keep reassuring myself that this is not my fault, I did not cause this. It's going to take a lot of repetitive convincing arguments, if I know myself at all then I know I am stubborn.
It doesn't matter really though how I got here, how she got there, how I don't have them to kiss goodnight anymore. It matters that we are here, that we all recognize the consequences of our actions,acknowledge the ripple effect that has been set in motion.
This will be a hard journey, a long journey, a painful journey. Before any of us can begin to dream of healing we must face our demons. Look into their unforgiving cold eyes and name them as we slay them, or at silence them.