Last night I did something moset people do every night, I slept. Just when I thought I would go mad if I didn't start sleeping. I've tried the pills, the routines, the whole nine yards. So I decided to do the sensible thing and try something new. Valerian root and melatonin pills. (No this isn't an infomercial, I just sound like one!)
So I kept the routine, added the pills and woke up to my alarm at 6 a.m. Now I have the whole day ahead of me, whereas before I would wake anywhere from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. and feel like I had no time to get anything done. Normally I pass out from sheer exhaustion somewhere around 4 a.m. to 7 a.m. It was never a problem of being tired, I was all the time. It was a matter of not being able to fall asleep. Now, my life can begin. And no, I don't care how cheesy that sounds.
After I got up, I had me a nice cup of hot wake-em-up tea. ( I don't do coffee, it makes my stomach hurt and actually makes me sleepy. I'm just strange all the way around.) Now, once my clothes are washed and I take a shower, I'll be a real person, not just a shell of one.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Still (don't) wanna grow up...
I’ll never be “that” mom. Doesn’t matter what I do now…my chance is over and was from the beginning. I had my kids when I was 19 and 20. I had my kids with a man I barely knew and when I did find out who he was, well, we were all better off not knowing to begin with. So what brought this on, you ask? Oh, the normal, thinking when I shouldn’t. So here we go, delving into another topic I’d rather leave buried.
When the boys were younger I got into a playgroup I found online. I was staying at home with them all the time and it just happened. They needed someone to play with, I needed mommy friends. The mommy friends I found were great; totally together, in love with their husbands, educated, older than me, happy to have children and actively trying for more. On the surface. Now, granted, these women probably do have problems of their own and come to think of it one of my mommy friends is now divorced from her husband (but is now in another loving relationship).
Me? I was the total wreck of the group. Unwed, young, high school dropout, father nowhere in sight, emotionally unstable, two unexpected so-not-planned-for kids. Why these women put up with me at all is something I’ll never understand. But there I was, in the middle of all that mommy coolness. Now I see their updates, their new ultrasound pics of yet another bundle of (planned for) joy, tales of mommyhood told in funny little anecdotes. All the while, I am here and still a disgusting mess. Don’t have custody of my kiddos, no job, still only slightly smarter than the bag boy, just now realizing it’s time to grow up.
I’m going to fucking cry right now, if only my nose wasn’t so damned stopped up to begin with.
I’m the mommy with no kids, the mommy with scars visible and unseen, the mommy with tattoos, the mommy who can’t get it together, the mommy who is 25 and acts 12.
Maybe I just need to take it easy on myself, I am at least taking steps to correct what I can, although there is still so much that can’t be taken back.
The father of my kids is still going to be a drug fiend, prison bound, immature, self-centered, unaware ass. I’ll never be married to him, happily or unhappily so. I’ll probably never try for another baby and gloat over the precious mucus-y bundle waiting to be delivered.
I guess I never knew it but I really wanted to be that mom.
When the boys were younger I got into a playgroup I found online. I was staying at home with them all the time and it just happened. They needed someone to play with, I needed mommy friends. The mommy friends I found were great; totally together, in love with their husbands, educated, older than me, happy to have children and actively trying for more. On the surface. Now, granted, these women probably do have problems of their own and come to think of it one of my mommy friends is now divorced from her husband (but is now in another loving relationship).
Me? I was the total wreck of the group. Unwed, young, high school dropout, father nowhere in sight, emotionally unstable, two unexpected so-not-planned-for kids. Why these women put up with me at all is something I’ll never understand. But there I was, in the middle of all that mommy coolness. Now I see their updates, their new ultrasound pics of yet another bundle of (planned for) joy, tales of mommyhood told in funny little anecdotes. All the while, I am here and still a disgusting mess. Don’t have custody of my kiddos, no job, still only slightly smarter than the bag boy, just now realizing it’s time to grow up.
I’m going to fucking cry right now, if only my nose wasn’t so damned stopped up to begin with.
I’m the mommy with no kids, the mommy with scars visible and unseen, the mommy with tattoos, the mommy who can’t get it together, the mommy who is 25 and acts 12.
Maybe I just need to take it easy on myself, I am at least taking steps to correct what I can, although there is still so much that can’t be taken back.
The father of my kids is still going to be a drug fiend, prison bound, immature, self-centered, unaware ass. I’ll never be married to him, happily or unhappily so. I’ll probably never try for another baby and gloat over the precious mucus-y bundle waiting to be delivered.
I guess I never knew it but I really wanted to be that mom.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Very funny, indeed.
It always tickles me that I managed to name my blog so aptly, that I just happened on that one crystal clear moment of insight to describe my whole self. I do so often just want to take a deep breath, then SCREAM AS LOUD AS I CAN! (hehe) It also sums up the tiny bit of advice I have been given from my mother on how to cope, 'just take a deep breath, it's ok'. And after that breath, mother dearest, I just want to SCREAM some more.
Just a thought for the day.
Just a thought for the day.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Can you feel the rocks?
This is it. We managed to make it float for over 3 months after we were put out. We have struggled to find a stable place to live and a steady job to pay the bills. After doing all we can, we can do no more. We have reached rock bottom. After Thursday morning we will have nowhere to stay, no family to help us, no community programs to prevent us from living out of our vehicle, no income to support us. It's scary and that's all. From where I am right now, there is no hope, there is no maybe we can figure something out, nothing.
The heat here tops out at 100+ degrees every day and we have no air conditioning in the car. We are slowly finding places to store most of our things and giving away others. We still have two dogs, one cat and two guinea pigs. Even though it will be painful, we are working on finding homes for all but one of our dogs. We also have no cell phone. It's amazing how much better I would feel if my phone was at least still working. The city we live in can be dangerous during the day and frightening at night when your windows are down and your car is parked somewhere the cops won't scoot you out from.
Maybe this will be the rock bottom that some people hit before heading back up. Maybe this is it, this is what is left for us. All I know is I'm drowning, way down here at the rock bottom.
The heat here tops out at 100+ degrees every day and we have no air conditioning in the car. We are slowly finding places to store most of our things and giving away others. We still have two dogs, one cat and two guinea pigs. Even though it will be painful, we are working on finding homes for all but one of our dogs. We also have no cell phone. It's amazing how much better I would feel if my phone was at least still working. The city we live in can be dangerous during the day and frightening at night when your windows are down and your car is parked somewhere the cops won't scoot you out from.
Maybe this will be the rock bottom that some people hit before heading back up. Maybe this is it, this is what is left for us. All I know is I'm drowning, way down here at the rock bottom.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
pros/cons, good/bad, negative/positive
I'm thankful for what I have, I try my best not to dwell on the downside. I'm aware there are other people in worse situations than my own.
All that aside, I have problems in my life that are overwhelming me. I have no idea where to turn, no idea how to fix the conundrums in my life. We are living in a hotel that is paid weekly, and working a job that pays only the rent plus $40 extra. So the money aspect is shit, but it's next to impossible to start a new job because they hold back a week in pay. So that would mean one week of living in our car, if not more. I could move to somewhere that is paid monthly and eliminate that problem, but I can't. Why not? Well I have no money put aside for deposits, lights and general moving costs. Those costs cannot be saved because of the fact that our weekly check only covers the hotel room and spares $40, which is then used for gas in the car. We also need that gas in the car to get back and forth to work sites. Not at all possible to walk to work; "work" is all over town. Giant circle of fucked. If I could only convince my boss to up our pay to $300 a week, I could eliminate a lot of our problems. We should of received a pay increase over a month ago already. But promises were not kept so we are trying to survive on barely enough.
Right now we are also sitting on a voucher that will help with rental assistance. it's great news and a great step forward but... we have to pay for deposits, lights being turned on and moving expenses. Back at square one is where we land with that.
It's frustrating, heartbreaking. My whole body is so full of stress, I am in physical pain and there also seems to be something blocking my throat most of the day. I want to scream, I want to cry but I can't. Or won't, whichever.
For once I want an easy answer to drop out of the sky. Some kind of break, a step up.
I am grateful we're not living on the streets with nothing but the clothes on our backs and no hot meals. I know people have it worse.
Please don't tell me not to complain, it's all I have left really.
All that aside, I have problems in my life that are overwhelming me. I have no idea where to turn, no idea how to fix the conundrums in my life. We are living in a hotel that is paid weekly, and working a job that pays only the rent plus $40 extra. So the money aspect is shit, but it's next to impossible to start a new job because they hold back a week in pay. So that would mean one week of living in our car, if not more. I could move to somewhere that is paid monthly and eliminate that problem, but I can't. Why not? Well I have no money put aside for deposits, lights and general moving costs. Those costs cannot be saved because of the fact that our weekly check only covers the hotel room and spares $40, which is then used for gas in the car. We also need that gas in the car to get back and forth to work sites. Not at all possible to walk to work; "work" is all over town. Giant circle of fucked. If I could only convince my boss to up our pay to $300 a week, I could eliminate a lot of our problems. We should of received a pay increase over a month ago already. But promises were not kept so we are trying to survive on barely enough.
Right now we are also sitting on a voucher that will help with rental assistance. it's great news and a great step forward but... we have to pay for deposits, lights being turned on and moving expenses. Back at square one is where we land with that.
It's frustrating, heartbreaking. My whole body is so full of stress, I am in physical pain and there also seems to be something blocking my throat most of the day. I want to scream, I want to cry but I can't. Or won't, whichever.
For once I want an easy answer to drop out of the sky. Some kind of break, a step up.
I am grateful we're not living on the streets with nothing but the clothes on our backs and no hot meals. I know people have it worse.
Please don't tell me not to complain, it's all I have left really.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thy will be done...
I'm so depressed. Being the situation is what it is, I'm not shocked. Any one else, even someone who is better equipped, would at least have the blues.
I probably haven't made myself feel any better by taking myself off of one of my daily medications. In the long run though, it will be worth it. The side effects I was dealing with didn't balance with any good it might of been doing for me. So I'm down to one depression medication, which I will be out of soon if I don't make an appointment with a doctor. One more thing to be dealt with when I would rather be hiding in a dark hole.
She is out of jail, which has helped a bit. I love her, she comforts me. It feels good to have someone with me who can suffer with me. As sick as that sounds. But as everyone knows, misery loves company. But on the good side, our legal troubles could be over at last. We only have to deal with another 4 weeks of intense monitoring which will cost us $60. Fortunately, we have already managed to get that money together pretty quick. At least one financial woe taken care of.
Visiting my babies Saturday will probably not happen. Their guardians are making things pretty difficult. It seems like they feel that they can make up stipulations for me to meet before I can see them. I'll be contacting the court to determine what if anything can be done about it. I haven't been able to see them for two, going on three, weeks. I miss them so much, I've almost become numb to the intense pain in my heart. It seems if I let myself feel all of the pain I might just go insane, get lost in it.
The only thing I feel safe taking some satisfaction in right is the fact that I have a decent shot at a job. A very nice woman who I became acquainted with at my last job offered for me to put in an application and she told me she had already talked to the management. I prayed as hard as I could that whatever He felt should be done, what was best for me, for us, be done. And even promised Him I would do whatever I could to make this happen for me if He felt it was right.
Maybe.
I probably haven't made myself feel any better by taking myself off of one of my daily medications. In the long run though, it will be worth it. The side effects I was dealing with didn't balance with any good it might of been doing for me. So I'm down to one depression medication, which I will be out of soon if I don't make an appointment with a doctor. One more thing to be dealt with when I would rather be hiding in a dark hole.
She is out of jail, which has helped a bit. I love her, she comforts me. It feels good to have someone with me who can suffer with me. As sick as that sounds. But as everyone knows, misery loves company. But on the good side, our legal troubles could be over at last. We only have to deal with another 4 weeks of intense monitoring which will cost us $60. Fortunately, we have already managed to get that money together pretty quick. At least one financial woe taken care of.
Visiting my babies Saturday will probably not happen. Their guardians are making things pretty difficult. It seems like they feel that they can make up stipulations for me to meet before I can see them. I'll be contacting the court to determine what if anything can be done about it. I haven't been able to see them for two, going on three, weeks. I miss them so much, I've almost become numb to the intense pain in my heart. It seems if I let myself feel all of the pain I might just go insane, get lost in it.
The only thing I feel safe taking some satisfaction in right is the fact that I have a decent shot at a job. A very nice woman who I became acquainted with at my last job offered for me to put in an application and she told me she had already talked to the management. I prayed as hard as I could that whatever He felt should be done, what was best for me, for us, be done. And even promised Him I would do whatever I could to make this happen for me if He felt it was right.
Maybe.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
There is always a reason to scream...
I lay here on my hotel bed, with my hospital socks, listening to Norah Jones. Contemplating. Maybe it's Ms. Jones, maybe it's the silence that's still heard behind all the noise. Being alone makes people think, forces them to look at things closer.
So here I am on my hotel bed, with my hospital socks on. It has just now sunk in that I am a woman who is about to be 25, I am a woman who has seen a positive pregnancy test three times and given birth to two children. I am also a woman that now has no children to raise. I am a woman who might of once wished for something like this, just not in this context and with this kind of permanency.
I am essentially alone, for the moment at least. I still have her, but she is in a jail cell right now. It is possible she is thinking about some of the same things I am. She was never capable of being a biological donor to my children but she has given her heart to them just the same.
The tears set in, the doubts assault me, the shakes in my very soul take over. I have to keep reassuring myself that this is not my fault, I did not cause this. It's going to take a lot of repetitive convincing arguments, if I know myself at all then I know I am stubborn.
It doesn't matter really though how I got here, how she got there, how I don't have them to kiss goodnight anymore. It matters that we are here, that we all recognize the consequences of our actions,acknowledge the ripple effect that has been set in motion.
This will be a hard journey, a long journey, a painful journey. Before any of us can begin to dream of healing we must face our demons. Look into their unforgiving cold eyes and name them as we slay them, or at silence them.
So here I am on my hotel bed, with my hospital socks on. It has just now sunk in that I am a woman who is about to be 25, I am a woman who has seen a positive pregnancy test three times and given birth to two children. I am also a woman that now has no children to raise. I am a woman who might of once wished for something like this, just not in this context and with this kind of permanency.
I am essentially alone, for the moment at least. I still have her, but she is in a jail cell right now. It is possible she is thinking about some of the same things I am. She was never capable of being a biological donor to my children but she has given her heart to them just the same.
The tears set in, the doubts assault me, the shakes in my very soul take over. I have to keep reassuring myself that this is not my fault, I did not cause this. It's going to take a lot of repetitive convincing arguments, if I know myself at all then I know I am stubborn.
It doesn't matter really though how I got here, how she got there, how I don't have them to kiss goodnight anymore. It matters that we are here, that we all recognize the consequences of our actions,acknowledge the ripple effect that has been set in motion.
This will be a hard journey, a long journey, a painful journey. Before any of us can begin to dream of healing we must face our demons. Look into their unforgiving cold eyes and name them as we slay them, or at silence them.
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